Even the stones will cry out

So yesterday I realized something about myself. I now see my level of insecurity. This process started with me reading AW Tozers “Knowledge of the Holy”. Its early chapters talk about the sovereignty, independence and eternity of God, and that God has need of absolutely nothing and no one. If God did have a need, He would not be God, instead it would be the thing God needs. Its abit like the plot of the movie “Titans” where Zeus, the Greek God creates humans and then somehow actually lives on their prayers, which enabled a demi-God who was raised in the movement of human rebellion decide that he would go after Hades and in the process, save the rest of the Gods (Olympus). 

This is not what our God is like, He does not live on our prayers, does not need saving, isn’t dumb like Olympus. 

Ok so where am I getting to with all this? Here it is, I thought God needed me.

Laughable? YES

Unaware? All this time

Demonic? Most definitely!

See, the Truth that God doesn’t have a need, isn’t new to me, but I think for the first time, I believed it. For the first time, my human spirit digested that I am not a need, I am not a strategy, I’m not here just to answer a problem, a prophet, a missionary, a pastor, a Praise and Worship member begging God into that hearts of the local church.. nope, that all takes a back seat. This placed me into a bit of a standstill, and I couldn’t connect the dots anymore and I didn’t know why. The dots weren’t dots anymore, there was now instead a blank page with one question at the top ‘then why am I here?” 

“even the stones will cry out” 

Luke 19: 40

If God doesn’t need me, why am I here? Why has He pursued me so fiercely? Why die for me? Why choose me? Why fill me with His Spirit?  

I was lost. I couldn’t, for actual weeks, I couldn’t fathom a possible purpose for someone that wasn’t needed.

And so, it was yesterday, I was driving late at night, when the not so obvious yet obvious hit me.. “Your level of insecurity is so deep, you can’t imagine anyone wanting you out of pure delight. You think the only way you could possibly be wanted or enjoyed was if it was attached to a service you could somehow provide”.

God wrote the book of my life out of pure delight, similar to the way a painter paints to create a beauty He already holds. He does not love His painting because it satisfies a need of beauty or art within himself, no, He loves his painting, because he delights in creating beauty. 

So I realized at age 28, all this time, I’ve subconsciously thought myself so undesirable, so unwanted, and that’s made me an easy slave to peoples requests. My no’s have been few if any, I saw serving people as a way to buy their love. But actual love (there’s only one kind) cannot be bought, any price would do it injustice. 

So God was slowly, yet eternally, fixing my view of Him, if God somehow needed me, that’d mean He’d be indebted me (crazy right?) making me entitled to a piece of the Kingdom pie, instead of freely receiving it in Grace, as a Gift. 

God also brought to light a micro image of self-worth, my insecurity made me unlike a God who acted in His own accord, who didn’t need me to be “successful”.

And finally, God was fixing my “Jesus, I love you” statement. How could I tell Him, I loved Him, when my view of Him, of Love and of me were all incredibly false, low, deceptive and human. I was lying to His face.