Doctor?

-
The first time I ever got so sick
I was down in bed for four whole days
Had to force myself to eat a tiny 
piece of Cassava a day, 
just so I can swallow my pills after.

As soon as I felt the fatigue, 
cough and headache
I took myself to Dr Yee Chief
in flagstaff. 
She told me all she knew, 
checked my breathing
and wrote some scribbles 
on a paper,
encoded life that 
only the pharmacist could decipher

I don’t know why I 
didn’t rush there this time
See, when you first realize
that you might have a mental illness
Your immediate reaction
isn’t to go see Dr Yee Chief
in flagstaff
It’s not due to the weather,
who’s probably tired of 
being blamed left, right and centre
here in Suva.

You don’t even google search
the symptoms cos google
might tell you you’re dying
and you might like it. 
Depending on anything
and nothing, you sit there
thinking, this makes sense
and no sense at all.

And what would
going to a doctor do anyway?
Can she give me
all the ambitions I lost in 2018? 
All the laughs that healed my soul?

Can she slot memory chips
back into my brain
so I no longer forget
how to manage our 4yr old
washing machine?
Can she promise me
tomorrow actually
exists, though I’ve 
lived the same day for years?
Can she hide death away, scoop it up
in her hand and throw it 
far enough so I don’t 
hear its tempting call?


Didn’t think so.

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